By Unpaid Interns, our New Political Reporters

Scots MPs (and others from elsewhere) on a Westminster Committee have demanded that the Scottish Parliament find a way to enfranchise anyone outwith Scotland who should be defined as a "Scot" in the 2014 Separation Referendum.

In an emotional report, they make a special plea that arrangements for the referendum should be "fair", while ensuring that likely No voters living elsewhere should be given a vote.

At the same time, they plead that EU citizens, who have decided that their future lies in Scotland, should be removed from the referendum electoral register.

The demand that Commonwealth and Irish citizens living in Scotland, as well as any other non-"Scot" living up there, should also be excluded is missing from the report - doubtless due to clerical error.

The Committee has privately commissioned research from specialist firm "Genetics R Us" (subsidiary of McChuckemup Services) that determines that the only ethnic Scot and, therefore, the entire electorate for the referendum is Committee Chairman, Ian Davidson MP.

Scottish Select Committee member Fiona Bruce, Conservative MP for Congleton, commented "I had hoped to get a vote as I was born in Wick, and have a Scots name, but place of birth is not an appropriate way to define a "Scot" - even though that would have the advantage of denying Mike Russell MSP a vote. Failing that, I had hoped that my West Highland Terrier would have a vote, but Genetics R Us demonstrated conclusively that her genetic line had been corrupted by an Irish Wolfhound in the 15th century.

"The Scottish Separation Referendum needs to be absolutely fair, and that means that only those who are absolutely, totally, and unarguably Scots should have the franchise. I am content to have the scientific evidence determine the electorate rather than partisan political interest. The Scottish Government should take the same view, or be condemned as being undemocratic."

Genetics r Us proprieter I McChuckemup explained that  the entire DNA database was provided by members of the Committee since they were "representatives of the Scottish (and some other) people in 2010". Scientifically, he determined, that this was wholly representative of the Scots within a UK political environment, and a number of science teachers have agreed to support that view, in return for discounted Butlins holidays.

"I was surprised by the result analysis, but once you exclude all genetic strains immigrating into Scotland after the last Ice Age, then only the simplest life forms can be identified as actually "Scots".

"Even some of those simple life forms have been contaminated by sexual encounters with foreign elements, and have to be discounted.

"From all the DNA and RNA samples available, and after extensive testing, only a single sample was identified as being totally identical with a pre-Ice Age simple organism, and that was Ian Davidson."

Committee Chairman, Davidson, expressed himself amazed that he was the only Scot and, therefore, the only voter, but resolved, "Ah'll think hard aboot whether ah'm better together wi ma mates in Westminster, or thae furriners that occupy ma country. I'm minded tae vote Naw, but if there's mair cash tae be made .....?"

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