By Nat Butcher, our Politics Editor (newly promoted for exposing secret independence plans)

As the Right Honourable Alastair Darling MP headed for the comparative security of the Inverness Royal British Legion on Wednesday, to face a tough audience of ex-military personnel, he was gratuitously interrupted by a lone protester sporting the menacing Saltire flag of the separatist thugee.

Mr Darling, who is widely admired as the greatest British chancellor of the 21st century as well as being one of England's foremost economists and all round good guy, was unable to enter the building without spotting that the irresponsible Yay-sayer was present, upsetting his pre-speech preparations.

The masked malcontent, a Mr Matthew J MacKay (40) of no fixed abode, Alness is suspected of being a member of the proscribed and highly secretive organisation, the Scottish Militant Ninja Turtles (SMNT), who have claimed responsibility for a number of near fatal embarrassments over the last several years.

SNMT, which is described by unionist sources as an international terriblist organisation, are suspected of having been behind a series of high-profile annoyances involving the ex-chancellor and part-time MP for Edinburgh South West.

One of the worst of these was the infamous 9-11 t-shirt attacks of last November 9th, which saw Mr Darling interrupted by a group of known t-shirteers, including one very small but emphatic terriblist sporting no more than a single exclamation point. This seemed to upset the ex chancellor more than the message itself,
"! LE RU DON LON END", which is apparently Gaelic for "You've been Turtled!"

The horrible haranguing highland heretic in question (Latin name: Chelonia Caledonia) had awaited Mr Darling's arrival for some hours, giving him time to decorate both himself and his enviroment with various pieces of terriblist paraphernalia, including St Andrew's crosses, troublemaking terrapins and the recently banned Yes car sticker.

Already deployed in full swivel-eyed mode by the moment of Darling's appearance, the poikilothermic protester added insult to unpleasantness by asking his hapless victim a difficult question, to which he naturally received no response. However, the MP was visibly shaken by the exchange, having expected no more than grateful applause and saccharine setups from his carefully chosen if overly pliant audience.

The encounter had rattled Mr Darling to such an extent, that he forgot his lines in mid-scare and mongered: "We are Scottish, and we are proud to be English, we don't have to choose," despite his carefully-written script stating: "We are North British, and we are proud to be English".

Still reeling from the unhelpful question posed by the horrible half-shelled heckler, the Loretto schoolboy then proceeded to say that a prime reason for avoiding independence was the international influence enjoyed by big countries like the UK, but forgot to explain how Scotland was to gain influence in the the UK as a prerequisite to influencing anyone else.

He then compounded his confoundedness by claiming that Scotland should remain in the union simply to gain access to the large markets in England and the EU, but neglected to justify how or why these would become unavailable following independence.

All in all, it was a sorry excuse for a speech, and the positive case for unionism failed yet again to make an appearance, presumably preferring to wait for a more prestigious occasion and proponent to appear.

The meeting was then opened up for seeded questions, to the strains of "Chas and Dave's Greatest hit", which will no longer be ours to enjoy if the schismatist saurians have their way.

Shortly after his Q&A, the ex-chancellor sidled away, having successfully avoided both Scottish Questions and another boring series of debates in Westminster. At least that little victory had been achieved for the second successive day.

As for the radicalised reptile who had spoiled the day's outing, all he had to to say to waiting reporters was:

"I'm here on a peaceful protest, but the abominable No-man refused to answer my questions. We are sick of Alastair Darling's scaremongering when it comes to an independent Scotland.

"Cowabunga, fellow turtles!"

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Cowabunga!"