Five shocking Scotsman scare stories for 2013

By Rich Bean, our Coffeehouse Correspondent.

This shocking story appears by kind permission of The Edinburgh Coffee House.

The-ScotsmanIn a courageous feat of investigative journalism (climbing through an open window of the Scotsman office), this reporter can exclusively reveal the most shocking tales set for publication by our national newspaper in 2013.

Faint-hearted readers be warned – if you thought 2012′s scare stories were terrifying, you ain't seen nothing yet!

Mortality rate in separate Scotlandshire "Will be 100%"

A study by Edinburgh University scientists has revealed that in the case of Scotlandshire voting to leave the United Kingdom, every single person who chooses to remain will succumb to eventual death.

"Scots will have no defence against the slow march of time, and will have no choice but to grimly surrender themselves to the fact that they and everyone they love will eventually be dead", chuckled the university spokesman, before adding "Their pets will die too".

By 2150, it is estimated that everyone alive at the time of the referendum will have died as a result of an accident, disease or old age.

Separate Scotlandshire forbidden from using Gregorian calendar

Westminster sources have confirmed that they do not intend to grant an independent Scotlandshire permission to continue using the Gregorian calendar to mark the passage of time.

Worried SNP staffers have reportedly placed a formal request for China's permission to use their calendar until a viable Scottish alternative is found.

Newtonian physics "Will not apply to separate Scotlandshire"

The laws of physics set out by English genius Sir Isaac Newton will not apply under a separate Scottish jurisdiction, a spokesman from the University of Cambridge confirmed today.

"Scots can't have it both ways", gloated Dr Roberts, "They can't claim to want independence one minute, but expect to benefit from the great minds of English science the next".

So far, the SNP have been silent on how they intend to manage the interaction of physical bodies in an independent Scotlandshire. Stephen Hawking has also confirmed that his theories on gravity and space-time will not apply to a separate Scottish state.

Separate Scotlandshire "Cannot use number 4″

It was confirmed by the Westminster government today that unlicensed usage of the number 4 will not be permitted in the event of Scottish independence. A spokesman also warned that attempted workarounds such as writing out the number as "four" or using the Roman numeral "IV" will not be tolerated.

"Scots will have to find a new solution if they want to continue using the properties of the number 4″, mumbled the government source, "Any replacement number will need to avoid any licensing infringement whilst conforming to the internationally-recognised base ten system".

SNP admit separate Scotlandshire "Not prepared for moonctopus invasion"

The SNP were last night forced to admit that there are no plans in place to defend Scotlandshire from an invasion by carnivorous octopus monsters from the moon.

The disdainful response to the Scotsman's question at a recent press conference on fishing quotas served to highlight to fact that the SNP have simply failed to plan for the most basic concerns about life in a separate Scotlandshire.

An increasingly irritated SNP spokeswoman sighed that Scotland presently has no anti-Moonctopus missiles, has conducted no studies into potential weaknesses in the Moonctopus immune system, and that no local militia have been armed and trained.

Frightening stuff indeed, but is it enough to make you vote "No" in 2014? More importantly, will it keep the Scotsman in print for another year?


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