Humiliation For Salmond As Brits Don’t Pick a Scot as SPOTY

By Withered Vine, our London Fashion Correspondent

SPOTYA crushed Alex Salmond was forced to admit that the likelihood of Scotland separating from the UK had become negligible as Andy Murray could only manage 3rd place in the competition for the Spottiest athlete.

Putting a brave face on the disappointment, a spokessporran for Salmond pointed out that winner Bradley Wiggins was actually born in separatist Flanders to an Australian father. "So at least he's no f**king English!" was her response.

A triumphant Alastair Darling, spokesbadger for the acronymically barren "UK Is Absolutely Wonderful In Every Way, And Scots Are Glad to Ride On The Gravy Train" Campaign, hailed the triumph.

"This is the result we were looking for, and my finger is red-raw from pressing the redial button. It is proof positive that no Scot will ever achieve anything better than 3rd place in the UK.

"Of course, that means that no Scot will ever again get the chance to screw up the economy of the UK as Gordon and I did, and power will evermore lie with those from the South of England – which is where it should always have been, and will continue again under David Milliband, or Ed Cameron, or whoever.

eck-sad"naturally, that does mean that no Scots politician of any ability would find it worth while pursuing a political career. However, I have no fears for Scottish Labour on those grounds, since we have never demonstrated any ability."

Willie Bain MP opined that he was happy with the result, but was looking forward to the poll for Spottiest MP of the year, where he was confident of success.

Ian Davidson MP. Chairman of the Westminster Acronym Numpty Kleptomaniacs Evading Responsibility committee was ecstatic that the award had been won by a man. "It wid hiv bin hellish if a wumman had goat it. They've goat faur tae uppity since Lizzie's dochter wan it."

Neither of Joruth Lavison's heads was available for comment they were practicing for the Holyrood three leg race, and were finding difficulty in controlling Wee Willie Rennie as the third leg.


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