By Berther de Gither, our Brussels Correspondent

The president of the European Commission, Jose Manuel Barroso, has said that any new independent country would have to apply to join the EU.

The president's comments came despite Scottish ministers insisting an independent Scotland would negotiate its position "from within".

In an interview given yesterday to top BBC satirical programme Hardtalk, he was asked to provide a clear answer on the position of a newly independent Scotland in the EC.

Barroso's answer was as follows:

"The EU neever makes comments concerning parteecular countries, so I cannot comment on Scotland's poseetion directlee, but I can tell you that, eef Catalunya tries to become independent, they will be thrown out of the EU immeediately, and nobody would speak weeth them eever again.

"Now, I am not a lawyer, een fact I know almost nothing of international law, so I cannot speak about thee legal poseetion of any countree, but let me instead geev you the poseetion from a legal point of view, which is deeferent.

"If any part of a countree was to become independent, it would be keecked out. Just like Catalunya. And seence Scotland is part of Eengeland, it too would be asked politely to leave.

"Really? You don' say. maybee, I meant part of Breetain. Ahh, breetain ees just an island you say, then I must have meant part of the United Keengdom. What do you mean the UK eesn't a nation? That's just stupid.

"Wheech Act of Union is thees you speek about? I neever heard of thees Act of Union. Do you meen the one between a man and a woman? No? Then, go talk weeth a lawyer eef you want to deescuss that kind of theeng. I know nothing of thee law!

"No! You must bee wrong. Meester Cameron told me just Yeesterdie that Scotland ees actually called Scotlandshire and ees just a leetle reegion of Eengeland, not a real country at all. That was just after he promeesed me he weel vote for 3% budget increese, if I say Scotland is out of EU. 

 "And anyway, the UK and Breetain are just other ways of saying Eengeland. Eeverybody in Europe knows thees.

"No! I weel not deescuss thees weeth you anee more. You have made me veree angry weeth all your askings and your questions.

"You Eenglish, you theenk you are so fukeeng cleever. Maybee I throw YOU out of Europe, eh. How you like that? You tell your Meester Cameron to steek his seecreet promises up hees Eengelish jacksee, eh.

"I know you theenk I know fuck notheeng. But you are veree wrong.

"I know fuck ALL!"

Labour's internationally renowned constitutional expert, and chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee on Uppity Neds Idiotically Opining with Negligible Information on Scotland's True Situation, Ian Davidson MP spat:

"Thon Barroso is jist an uppity wee nyaff, right enuff. Bit, if he kin dae mair damage tae thon natz bastirts, then he's aw right by me.

"Onywiy, it disnae matter tae me whither Scoatland is in or oot ay Europe. Ah'm headit fur the Hoose ay Lords fur services render't, so a dinnae gie a flyin fuck!"

Chairwarmer of the now defunct SLD party, wee Wullie Rennie MSP (retd.) said: "Ur we in or ur wee out. I canay tell – I huvnay got a scooby. Bit hey. Whit can you do, eh? Tickets please. Have your tickets ready. C'mon, get aff!"

Leader of the Scotlabocon alliance Johann-Ruthie Lamidson was unable to comment as neither of her heads could pronounce one of the phrases "constitutional omnishambles" or "pointless and petty Portuguese platitudes" without spitting all over the other one.

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